Something's definately bothering me today.

I wake up feeling not very pleased. It doesn't normally happen to me, so..sigh!

Then while driving to M's place, went to McD, chewing the slightly salty french fries made me feel so good..

Only for a while though.

I sat in the living room trying to study for mid term tmrw, but it was so hard!

I started to walk around, go out to my car, cleaned the dash board, then finally went to cook the Korean instant noodle that made me feel better. Again, only for awhile -.-

Then the clock strikes 6 and I had to get ready to attend make up class.

Driving driving, jam. Took another way, reached on time, went to the class, stone -.-

But that part when the teacher talked about psychology interest me. She's a psychologist too but not OUR kind of psychology, more like attend short courses then sendiri apply some concepts on real like kind, but no doubt she's not bad.

We talked about COLOURS today, different shades we wear bring out different "feel" and all that. And then she drifted to "Marketing Psychology" (translated directly from Mandarin).

And it was about how we sell ourselves. Every single day, the minute we walk out of our houses, we start selling ourselves.

Very often during high school, people ask me, "hey you don't look so good today, are you okay?"

I usually reply "oh, i'm fine" without a trace of smile on my face. Well, obviously I wasn't okay DUH.

But her point is, we determine how we want other people to see us as lah. If we walked into a new classroom with a frown on our face, people will most probably perceive us as unfriendly, sad, boring, or just blah (Fundamental Attribution Error ah).

But I totally suck on that nowadays.

sigh~ but whatever.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm just so disconnected to myself today!

I started to think, there are a lot of WHYs.. Why people behave in this way, why am I feeling this sucky feeling that i'm feeling now, what can I do to make myself happy, what can I do to make her happy?

I have pretty low self confidence now and god knows why.. This is totally the worst feeling on earth! One minute someone can make you feel you're on the top of the world, and then the next they'll just break you into trillion tiny little pieces.

You just feel that you're never gonna be good enough for them.

You just want to run away from the darker side of your life to start over again.

This feeling is so overwhelming that it makes my heart weak, I can't even breathe nicely, I don't even have the energy to do anything.

This fear, this intimidation, this "never good enough" thought, and the expectation, is going to eat me up from the inside out one day.

p/s: Dear friends, I apologize if you happen to come across this extremely negative writing of mine, I have to channel the energy somewhere.. Sadly it hasn't make me feel better.. Hopefully this post doesn't make any sense to you so that it won't affect your mood in any way. Have a good day.